Smoke And Mirrors
by Storymaster Caith
Summary: The lives of Captain Ginyu and his crew of space pirates aboard the USS Milk Dud were relatively calm until Caithion Sidhe. Then again, they were pretty boring, too. Drabble set, Technically AU, shounen-ai and a single prominent OC.
1. Tip

**_ A/N: Hello, all, and welcome to Smoke and Mirrors. I'm your tour guide Caith, and this is a series of drabbles based solely on the Ginyu Force! –chirping of crickets- anyway, for those of you who don't know, the OC of this story is one Caithion Sidhe, who has appeared across the internet (and very heavily in the fanfiction of one Starkiller by name) specifically in the DBZ universe. (although if you squint while reading Twin Vice Paranormal Detectives, well...) Caithion is my baby. If I see him anywhere I did not give him permission to be, I will react badly. _**

**_WARNINGS: It's the Ginyu Force. Expect alcohol, gambling, dens of ill repute- you name it, we've got it. Also, potential shounen-ai, since Caithion's as gay as a creme parfait. _**

_**Right, that all seems to be in order. Let's get on with the show, and drabble number one! **_

**Tip**

"You seem to have spilled your drink."

The red skinned humanoid turned to the person speaking to him. "Ehh?" he asked, unsure whether the other being had been addressing him. Through his alcohol-induced haze he managed to register two startlingly purple eyes-pinpricks, really- gazing coolly at him in the smoky half-darkness of underworld's dank interior.

"Wassat mate?" he half-slurred, making a wide motion with his arm. "Can't hear ye."

"I _said-" _Here the man lunged forward, grabbing his arm and yanking him down; the red man was startled into sobriety when the sound of blaster fire bouncing off the ceramic bartop echoed three inches above his head, "-you spilled your drink. Now run, you idiot."

The man whirled gracefully on his barstool and ran; the red humanoid had just enough time to register black hair and extremely pale skin before instinct kicked in and he was up and running, blaster half-out of its sheathe as he dodged around patrons, following his sudden savior, who didn't seem to have a problem cutting through the crowd like a hot plasma round through a bulkhead.

He staggered a bit near the door; another blast took off a chunk of molding above his shoulder. One long, thin hand wrapped around his upper arm as the other withdrew a sleek black blaster, aiming with deadly precision into the crowd of Underworld, who just now decided that a nutty bloke shooting random blaster fire was a bad idea and had begun to panic.

"For a space pirate," the man said, "you suck at this."

The humanoid opened his mouth to reply- then doubled over and vomited. The unknown man rolled his eyes and hauled the drunken lout out the door, making one last glance to be sure that his single blast had caught the would-be assassin. It had- the creature wouldn't be getting up or harassing the dancing girls any longer.

In an alleyway nearby, the red man leaned against a wall, hacking, glaring at his samaritan. In the half-light of senbex's moon he could see that the fellow was tall and thin, built like a willow reed. He had a sharp, elegant face and blade of a nose, with long, black hair pulled back into a loose, puffy ponytail behind him. His clothes looked respectably worn and well-serviced; the two weapons at his hips were obviously cared for. He was smoking a cigarette- had been, the red man realized, since that very moment he had informed him that he'd spilled his drink.

"Who the hell'er you?" he demanded. Left unsaid, _and what is it you want from me? _

The man shrugged, the motion rolling through his body like falling water. "I didn't feel like getting blood on my clothes. Leather takes forever to wash properly and I'm lazy." He blew a smoke ring into the humanoid's face. "Besides, I don't usually hold with drunken murder. Unless I'm the one getting paid for it."

"Were you?" the humanoid replied, hand snaking to one of many hidden daggers. The man laughed, and the sound wasn't reassuring at all. He grinned a big cat's wide smile. "Perhaps, but it seems my employer didn't trust my skills. He'll learn the error of his ways soon enough, and, well- less competition for me." He looked the other man up and down. "Although why anyone wants you dead, I've no idea." He said droolly.

"'EY!" the man bristled, offended. "I've a rap-sheet longer than your arm, spook!"

"Spook?" the man glanced at himself. "Hm. I suppose it could be considered apt. Well, then. I'll be off." He turned to go.

"Wait just a goddamn bloody minute!" the red humanoid leveled a blaster at the other man's back. "You don't just go an' save yer target from death, mate, not unless there's something innit fer you. And I don't like being in debt."

"Debt?" the man motioned with one hand, the one that held the cigarette. The flaming end glowed like a laser pointer in the darkness. "Mr. Scarlocke, you owe me nothing- yet. Let us just say that my life is boring enough that when interesting things come by, I tend to keep them around. And as drunken and foolhardy as you seem, you're certainly interesting." The man turned his head, still smiling his cat smile. "Later."

Jeice Scarlocke blinked and the man was gone, disappeared into the crowds that traversed the town late at night. He swore, stumbled, swore some more, then decided that worrying wasn't worth his time. If this was a dream then he'd wake up in the pub, and if it wasn't, well, the Milk Dud was leaving port tomorrow night. He was certain he'd never see the strange man or his purple eyes ever again.

**_A/N: Ah, Jeice. If only you knew... _**


	2. Staring

**Staring**

Berter was fairly sure that he'd never seen anyone shorter than him with legs that long, or well shaped, or elegant. It had been a very long time since he'd seen such a nice pair of legs on anyone, in fact, and he should know- he was a bit of a connoisseur in the area of bipedal body parts. Nice legs. VERY nice.

Of course he probably shouldn't have been thinking that while watching said nice set of legs make off in the direction opposite of him with what looked like half of the Milk Dud's important documentation.

The thief paused, blinking bright purple eyes at him, blowing a cloud of hazy smoke from his single cigarette.

"You're staring, sweetheart." He murmured in a husky voice, and before the Universe's Fastest Pirate could react he was gone, out the side hatch and down on the floor of the docking bay, making off into the crowd. All that remained was a lighter that had fallen out of his pocket.


	3. Never Drink Again

**Never Drink Again**

"Ah'm never drinkin' again."

"Oh, come now, you did just fine. Lord knows that serving girl must have had YEARS of martial arts training."

"Never again."

"And that old grandma was most definitely a threat to your personal space."

"NEVER again."

"And let's not forget the child with the balloon, now I've never seen a more vicious-"

"GODS DAMNIT CAITHION!!"

"..Yes Jeice?"

"...pass me a goddamn beer."

"Sure."


	4. Saloon

** Saloon**

There were a few saloons on Terrada that not even Jeice Scarlocke would frequent, although few knew why; the good Captain Ginyu, teeth clenched tight, could suddenly understand his subordinate's avoidance of the _Underworld_ as a pair of thin hands picked up the dice and replaced them in the cup, a violet gaze laughing at him while smoke swirled around them in a miniature storm cloud, and when he asked, "Thirtieth time lucky, Captain?" Ginyu swore to himself that he'd never question his second-in-command's judgement ever again.


	5. Cops and Robbers

** Cops and Robbers**

"Why is it," he asked conversationally, "That every time I seem to think a job's too easy it's you bunglers they hired?"

Jeice snarled at the man perched on the tall column, wiping blood from his forehead. "You're a sand flea sodomizing son of a bitch, Sidhe!" he hissed, backing up so that his foot was on par with Berter's, preparing for their next attack. The purple eyed man seemed completely unphased.

"Really, Boys, don't you have anything better to do with your time than try to apprehend me?" he asked, motioning wide. "I mean, look at this place. It's full of loot, what's a little old cursed relic compared to that? Are you pirates or are you mice? Besides..."

Jeice inhaled sharply as Caithion vaulted from the column, lading behind him and leaning on Berter's broad shoulder, murmuring into the saurian's ear (but loud enough for his companion to hear) "Never send a buckaneer to do a lawman's job."

And then he was gone, leaving only the faintest blush across Berter's dark blue cheeks; Jeice thought it was best not to ask questions.

"Bloody bastard." He muttered into the dark. He could almost hear Caithion laughing.


	6. Off Duty

** Off-Duty**

Captain Ginyu rarely had the pleasure of looking down the barrel of a gun; he was usually the one at the other end. A halo of smoke floated over him as his purple-eyed opponent grinned widely, showing off sharp eyeteeth.

"Boo." He said.

Ginyu glared at him from his position on the tiled floor. "You have no idea how much I hate you." He hissed at the other man, slowly raising his hands. Caithion Sidhe briefly checked the holo-watch on his arm as he twitched a crick out of his neck.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure I can guess." He said. Just as suddenly as the gun had been pointed at the Captain's head, it was pulled away and placed in its well-worn holster. Ginyu blinked warily and slowly allowed his own hand to twitch for the blaster he'd been unable to grab in time.

Caithion shook his head, glancing at his watch again. "Don't bother, captain. I'm off duty. You only get paid so much to guard a fusty library. Lord only knows what you'd want with all these books, you and I both know you don't _read._"

Ginyu considered giving a sharp retort but then decided against it. His ego would never forgive him.

"Well," he began cautiously, "since you're...off duty...why don't you help me find what I'm looking for and we can discuss it at the Milk Dud?"

a broad smirk crossed Caithion's sharp face. "What a marvelous idea. Tell me, does it have lots of nice, colorful pictures?"

He slid just out of the furious minotauro's reach, informing him as he padded out the door, "Tell Blue an' Red I said hello."

"I'll do no such thing!" Ginyu replied, but Caithion was already gone.

_**A/N: Oh, the poor Ginyu Force. XD **_


	7. To New Things

**To New Things**

"To new challenges," Guldo said, raising his tiny glass. "To new friends and foes and continuing adventure."

Berter raised his own glass with a nod; Jeice quickly swallowed the mouthful he had already downed and raised his drink, looking sheepish. Recoome tilted his tankard in an acknowledging motion, and Ginyu gave a sharp nod. At the end of the table, in the extra seat, Caithion Sidhe removed his cigarette from his mouth, tilting his wine like a nobleman.

"To new things." He said with a purr. "May they make life more interesting."


	8. Complimentary

**Complimentary**

Berter stared at the purple eyed man perched in the pilot's seat.

"You took peanuts."

"Yes," the man said, still crunching away at the snack, giving the celophane package a little wave. Berter ran a paw over his forehead.

"You took...peanuts."

"I fail to see what's so hard about this, Sweetheart."

"You were _running for you life _from members of the _Freiza Faction, _and you stopped at the Underworld club for...peanuts."

"Oi, don't knock the peanuts." The man defended. "They're fantastic."

"I fail to see what's so amazing about peanuts that has you putting yourself and this entire crew in jeopardy in order to get them!"

Caithion blinked at him, then chuckled and shook his head, as though saying, 'poor misunderstanding cretin'.

"They're amazing because they're complimentary, sweetheart. Have some?"

**_A/N: Poor, oblivious Berter. That's okay. Caithion is patient. XD_**


	9. Friendly Fire

**Friendly Fire**

"Sakumei, you didn't have to use all those bullets. Isn't it a bit of overkill?"

From behind the pile of large metal crates the woman stood, leveling the long-distance plasma rifle on one scantilly clad shoulder, pricking a single ragged grey ear. Her long wolf's tail wagged behind her, barely brushing the bottoms of her incredibly short shorts as she shoved the last of her extra ammo into a belt pouch that was bigger than what she was wearing for a shirt. She took the long, thin knife from between her teeth and shoved it back into the sheathe on her thigh.

"Ye're kiddin', right?" she asked her compatriot, who emerged from the shadows looking no worse for wear, reloading his own weapon while taking a drag on his cigarette. "Bigger is better, Caity, you of all people should understand this. Besides, I like the way it goes boom."

She squinted over what was left of the ship hangar.

"Bounty's as good as mine. Come on, I need a new pair of pants."

"You don't wear pants, Ookami."

Rends and tears covered the walls and floor, long smoking smears where she had missed. Her foes, she could smell, were behind the farthest ship (the one, she noted with pride, that had the most shrapnel stuck in it) and seemed to be arguing loudly.

She headed out across the wreckage, the softest pad of boots and acrid smell of smoke telling her that her grumpy friend and sometimes partner was behind her. She popped around the edge of the ship, grinning widely.

"Alright, I'd say that's a bloody surrender if ever I've seen it, so if you'd come nice and quiet I can collect the bounty on yer-SCARLOCKE!!"

Behind her, she heard a gracefully irritated sigh. "I did try to warn you, dear." Caithion said with a single raised brow, looking past the sputtering red humanoid to his larger blue companion. "You too busy loading Big Eddy to listen to me."

"EDDY?" Jeice pointed at the monstrous gun as Sakumei gave it an affectionate pat. "That son of a bitch damn near took mah HEAD off, Saks!"

Sakumei Ookami glared daggers at her childhood friend, putting her clawed hands on her hips and setting her pouty mouth into a thin, irritated line.

"I didn't know it was you! You should tell a girl when you change employment unexpectedly!"

"Bloody hell you didn't know! Call goes out for bounty on the Milk Dud crew who the hell'd you think it'd be, The Captain?! An' it ain't exactly a new position!"

"Look, it was just a little friendly fire!"

"YOU NEARLY TOOK MAH HEAD OFF! An' a few other important bits, too!"

"It's not like you need them!"

"WHAT?"

Berter sighed, long and loud, and blinked as a pale white hand appeared in front of him. He looked up to where Caithion stood, smoke hovering in its constant cloud around his head.

"We need to stop meeting like this." The man said, grasping Berter's paw warmly. "Seems like every time we're shooting at one another." Berter commented. "They might take a while." he leveled a critical eye at his best friend and gave a short nod as Caithion helped him stand

"Underworld?" He asked.

Caithion smiled. "Why, Mr. Baklava, is this a date?"

Berter blinked blearily at the man, then at his friend, then at Caithion again, and shrugged.

"Might as well be." He said. "Guess that means I'm buying the drinks."

"It most certainly does." A cloud of smoke was blown affectionately at his head.

"Do you think they'll be okay without us?" Berter asked as they headed away, ignoring the elevating sounds of what could easily be mistaken for a catfight.

"They haven't managed to kill one another yet."

"Point. So, to Underworld?"

"To Underworld, my large blue friend."

**_A/N: And so we encounter Sakumei Ookami. Her mouth was foul, her ego terrible, and she possessed the power to drink any man under the table! XD Berter's last name comes from the fact that Starkiller and I were talking online and eating tasty Baklava. And it sounded cool. Not like anyone cares, since the only people who read this are Star and I, but that's okay, I'm having fun. The Underworld Club, as you will come to realize, is a very fun place, and Caithion is a frequent patron._**


	10. Borrow

** Borrow**

"You want to borrow my WHAT?"

"Oh, come on, Caity, you know you have it and I know you have it and good Gods know BERTER knows you have it-"

"Ookami, call me Caity again and you will be breathing through a second mouth."

"Sheesh, alright, alright, just put the bloody blaster down!!"

"What do you even NEED it for? Not that I'd give it to you anyway..."

"That' for us to know and you to not find out."

"I am not giving you ANYTHING until I know what you need it for."

"well, alrighty then. Just remember you asked. We start with a tub of whipped creme and a mallet..."

Berter guessed he shouldn't have been surprised when Caithion pulled his blaster and fired three warning shots into the opposite wall of the Milk Dud's central corridor, nor should he have been surprised that Saku Ookami's patented 'yelp-cackle' was echoing behind her as she ran for her life. The door slid shut.

"Do I want to know?" he asked. Caithion turned to him, slim eyebrows twitching.

"As soon as I am able," he said silkily, lighting a cigarette with violent intent, "I am going to skin the man who taught that girl sex-ed alive."

Berter's eyes widened as he continued, sashaying past the saurin, "everyone knows you never ask to borrow a gentleman's lube."


	11. Skirt

** Skirt**

Jeice took one look at it and took another swig of beer.

Guldo was speechless for several seconds and then began garbling in his home planet's native dialect, which sounded something like flatulence combined with the rasping of nails on a chalkboard.

Recoome informed him, blushing furiously, "You look purty."

Captain Ginyu did a double take, then a triple take, and then finally began a long-winded rant on "I don't care who the hell you're sleeping with, No freaks and weirdos are allowed aboard MY vessel, so take your deviancy and-" it had been about then that he had meekly commented that the color was very nice and would he please remove the blaster from his forehead since he had a lot of work to do and needed his brain intact.

Berter flushed from the tips of his boots to the scales of his head.

Ookami tilted her head, took another swig of ale, and asked, "where the hell did you get that, pretty lady?"

And Caithion Sidhe, padding by her in a pair of knee high platform boots and a flouncing, layered dark purple lace skirt, only smiled, lifted a thin cigarette between painted nails and responded, blowing a perfect smoke ring out dark red lips, "what makes you think I'm a lady?"


	12. Law of Physics

**Law of Physics **

Guldo looked the blaster up and down, sticking his fingers through the coin-sized hole in the cloth-wrapped barrel, tugging at the exposed wires. "Piece of art, this." He commented. From his seat near the exit hatch, Jeice glared at him, emerald eyes superheated to withering. Guldo ignored him, squinting through his eight-lense goggles at the completely wrecked weapon, casting an appreciative glance at the tall, dark-haired man who was leaning on the wall behind him, smoking.

"Admirable work, Mr. Sidhe. Right through the barrel. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it."

"You WRECKED my blaster."

Caithion glanced at Jeice, blowing a cloud of smoke in his general direction. "And I warned you what would happen."

"you WRECKED. My. Blaster."

"It's a simple law of physics, you oaf. Objects in motion will stay in motion unless stopped by an opposing force. And lasers are stopped by blaster barrels."

"YOU WRECKED MY BLASTER!!"

"And you," Caithion informed him, "Are acting like a petulant child."

Jeice glared furiously from his crewmate to Sidhe and back again. "Ah'm gonna go get drunk." He hissed. "An' you'd BETTER not be here when I get back."

He stomped out the hatch. It clicked shut.

"How did you do that?" Guldo asked in awe.

Caithion grinned. "Practice, my fine green friend. Simply practice. I can teach you, if you'd like."

At the bar, Jeice Scarlocke felt a shiver run up his spine and sneezed. The bartender blinked at him.

"You alright?" he asked.

"M'fine." The humanoid muttered. "Someone walkin' over me grave, that's all."


	13. Children

**Children**

"Gimme back the remote!"

"NO! We watched yer stupid documentary LAST night! Tonight it's the bowling prix and Ah'm NOT gonna miss it!"

"Your stupid bowling prix can drop on its arse, for all I care! We're watching "Species of Garm" whether you like it or whether you don't!"

"I'd rather jump off the Cliffs of Senbex into me Gran's blackbug stew than watch another STUPID documentary on your STUPID planet-"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!"

Sitting in the mess of the Milk Dud, Captain Ginyu groaned and put his head in his hands.

"Can't we just kill them?" he asked Berter. The large blue saurian shook his head. Sitting across from them, Caithion Sidhe yawned as the yelling in the rec room grew from heated to potentially violent.

"Wake me up when the children need to be put down." He said, putting his arms behind his head. Berter shot him a withering glare and stood up, headed for the controversy one room over.

"HEY! Knock it off, you two, before- GAH!"

The saurian rolled back into the room as blaster fire bounced off his armed shoulder-plate, hitting one of the cabinets and leaving a long streaked burn mark.

"Sorry Berter!" two voices said in chorus, then returned to their bickering.

"You know, Father," Caithion said, "I wouldn't bother. By the time they're done arguing whatever they want to watch will be over. And besides, it's how they show affection."

Berter's eyebrow ridge twitched. "Then YOU fix this, 'Mother'!" he hissed.

Caithion opened his purple eyes and gave a slow smile. "Alright." He said.

He stood up and meandered past the saurian, into the rec room. Ookami had taken refuge behind a couch, Jeice behind a table; they were simultaneously ducking and exchanging blaster fire, which was going nowhere near their intended targets but kept hitting things like the racks of Recoome's soap opera episodes and Berter's hanging plants.

Caithion reached for his blaster, pulled it out, and fired two shots. One grazed Ookami's ear. The other singed the edge of Jeice's hair.

They both yelped and glared at him, holding their offending bits.

Caithion daintily picked up the remote and perched on Guldo's stool. He turned the screen on and flipped the channel.

_"Cheerio, all- I'm Edward Roz, and welcome back to another exciting episode of 'Fantastic Fungus and where to Find Them. Today-"_

"Could one of you children get me a drink?" Caithion asked. "I don't want to miss the good part."


	14. Toothbrush

Toothbrush

Berter was staring at a toothbrush.

To be more accurate, he was staring at a toothbrush that wasn't his.

He blinked at it, once or twice, then turned to look at the half-naked mercenary who was giving a catlike yawn and lighting his first cigarette of the day.

"This is yours." The saurin said blankly.

Caithion Sidhe rose a brow and blinked the sleep from his eyes, leaning forward to observe the toothbrush the other male was holding. It was bright purple with neon pink bristles.

Saku and Jeice had barely survived the aftermath, their only saving grace being the destruction of the bill of sale before the item in question could be returned.

"Yes. Yes it is." A soft smoke ring hit the mirror and dissipated.

"Why is this yours?" Berter asked stupidly.

Caithion considered.

"Because using yours would be gross?" he offered, and padded out the way he had come in.

Berter stared at the toothbrush, then at the mirror, then back at the brush again.

"Women." He muttered.


End file.
